The Psychology Of Apologies

The Psychology Of Apologies: An apology is a social repair tool that acknowledges harm, accepts blame and signals the relationship matters; research shows its success depends on what is said, when it is said and whether the victim feels truly heard.

Roy Lewicki: His 2016 study tested six parts of an apology and found that accepting responsibility mattered most, offering to repair came second and asking for forgiveness mattered least.

Aaron Lazare: The Harvard psychiatrist's book On Apology argued that a real apology must meet the offended person's psychological needs, such as restored dignity and assurance of shared values.

Cynthia Frantz: Her 2005 research found that apologies land better when they come a little later, after the hurt person has had a chance to explain how they feel.

University of Michigan Health System: After it began openly admitting medical errors and apologizing to patients in 2001, its malpractice claims and legal costs dropped dramatically.

Massachusetts Apology Law: In 1986 it became the first US state to pass a law keeping expressions of sympathy after accidents from being used as evidence of guilt in court.

Dogeza: Japan's most extreme apology means kneeling and pressing your forehead to the floor, a gesture so loaded it is rarely performed outside dramatic public scandals.

Tyler Okimoto: His 2013 study found that refusing to apologize actually boosted people's self esteem and sense of power, which helps explain why some people never say sorry.

Willy Brandt: The West German chancellor's unplanned kneel at the Warsaw Ghetto memorial in 1970 became one of the most powerful wordless apologies in history.

Kevin Rudd: His 2008 National Apology to the Stolen Generations said sorry three times to Indigenous families whose children were taken by Australian governments.

Civil Liberties Act of 1988: Ronald Reagan signed this formal US apology for the internment of Japanese Americans, paying $20,000 to each surviving detainee.

Tony Hayward: The BP chief's 2010 apology for the Gulf oil spill imploded when he added that he would like his life back, a textbook case of making an apology about yourself.

JetBlue: After stranding passengers on icy runways for hours in February 2007, its founder apologized on YouTube and introduced a customer bill of rights, a rare apology backed by action.

Iran-Contra Affair: Ronald Reagan's line that mistakes were made became the classic example of the passive voice non apology, admitting error without naming who made it.

Karina Schumann: Her 2010 research found women apologize more than men not because men resist saying sorry, but because men judge fewer of their actions as offensive.

Ryan Fehr: His 2010 meta analysis of 175 studies found apologies are one of the strongest predictors of whether a victim forgives.

Frans de Waal: He observed in 1979 that chimpanzees often kiss and embrace soon after a fight, suggesting the roots of apology and reconciliation are older than humanity.

Pope John Paul II: On the Day of Pardon in 2000 he publicly asked forgiveness for the Church's past sins, including the treatment of Jews and the use of violence in the service of faith.

Galileo Galilei: The Catholic Church formally acknowledged it had wronged him in 1992, roughly 359 years after his trial for saying the Earth moves around the Sun.

Alan Turing: British prime minister Gordon Brown apologized in 2009 for the codebreaker's prosecution and chemical castration, and a royal pardon followed in 2013.

Mark Zuckerberg: Journalists tallied so many apologies over his first 14 years running Facebook that the pattern was dubbed his apology tour, showing how repeated sorries lose power.

Lawrence Sherman: His restorative justice trials found that when offenders apologized face to face, victims reported far less anger and desire for revenge than in normal court cases.

Nut Rage Incident: When a Korean Air executive forced a plane back to the gate over how macadamia nuts were served in 2014, her father, the airline's chairman, bowed in a public apology on her behalf.

Domino's Pizza Turnaround: In 2009 Domino's ran ads admitting customers said its crust tasted like cardboard, and the brutally honest mea culpa helped spark a major sales rebound.

The Five Languages of Apology: Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas argued people hear apologies differently, some needing regret expressed, others restitution or a promise to change.